gone swimming

this summer keeps serving up perspective.

It's been kind of a tough summer for my family so far. I've been working through some emotions concerning relationships, friendships, self-doubt and all the other feelings that one feels at twenty years old. My sister has lost her entire summer to a torn meniscus, and is currently unable to bend her knee at all. My grandfather has dealt with the loss of three of his siblings in the past year, the most recent being his younger brother to lung cancer just last week. My parents are struggling with the fact that they are putting their eldest daughter on a plane to another country. It's been a hard time for us all.

I've fallen into a sort of sympathy seeking state lately. I noticed that I've been complaining a lot, that I've been solely spewing the negative parts of my life to my friends. I was talking to my best friends, and one of them said something along the lines of "Something bad happens in your life everyday, bad luck just follows you" and it hurt me so badly to hear that. I know that he wasn't trying to offend me, but rather to offer sympathy, but I snapped at him. I took out my anger at myself on him, because I never wanted to be that girl. That girl that whines every day. That girl that fixates on the downsides to her day. I had actually been having a good day, I just mentioned something that had happened- an accident that my Dad's coworker had, it didn't even really affect me. But that was the piece of information I had decided to share with my friends. The bad news. And as I looked through my text I realized that I was consistently being a bearer of bad news.

I've always thought of myself as a positive person. I strive to be optimistic and to stay away from complaining. Obviously I am not a perfect person and I can't always live up to the expectations I've set, but lately I have not been the person I want to be. I've been sitting inside thoughts that are only holding me back. It's time to learn the difference between self reflection and self pitying.

Yes, this has been a rough summer for my family, but it has not by far been my worst summer. I have so much to be grateful for, and in light of recent events that I've heard of, I am frankly one of the luckiest people I know. I am not the victim of any kind of attack, violence or hatred. I have two healthy parents who love me and have been in love with each other for 28 years. I am working two jobs to become more financially independent, getting an education in a field that's important to me, and going abroad to a country I've always admired. There is so much to be thankful for.

I wrote a letter to my friend Audra once, on a night where I was feeling especially vulnerable and doubting myself in many areas of my life. I told Audra the words that I myself needed to hear, I told her that sometimes life felt like drowning. I have days where I am so unsure of myself that it feels like I am hopelessly sinking in some of the decisions I've made and the feelings I have, but I told Audra that it wasn't drowning. It's learning to swim. We'll never swim if we don't dive in, and it might feel like drowning at first but we have to buck up and move forward. Life is only all bad if we focus on all the bad, and swimming is only drowning if we forget that we have the power to move. It's all about perspective. Time to swim.